Sparky Days

Here are the Sparks again ;)

Note: The chronological order in these ones got mixed up badly, so bear with it :P

"Some people are too nice, and some are wonderful like Amna Siddiqui. Nice are like random ones who appreciate your work, but I have a lot of amazing people in my life"
[Says Deeja, in reference to me]

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~ The faces that I see 

Ingrained little stories 

Thousands of emotions that are coming through    

Waves of feelings searing through the air that surrounds me    

You keep me whole   

You keep me safe 

You are the face that I want to see. 

- 

"Shanakhti card wali baji hain na app"

[Farrukh K. Jadoon, in reference to myself]

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~ Stars, their silhouettes 

The moon, its shadow.   

The paradoxes,   

The truth   

All hidden, all silent.   

You are, the truth.

-  

"NYU walay sahi geniuses pehchantay hain!"

[Alizeh Z, in reference to my NYU acceptance]

This Time

Formed from a multitude of thoughts. A feeling, and a phase. I feel it, but I fail to express it, that is why this may seem disjointed. 

This Time

This world

It surprises me

I’ve started to feel you

I’ve started to become one with you

But you hurt me

Your stories

Your mysteries

A circle of surrender

I keep myself quiet

I'll Sleep

Maybe moments now don’t even need to be my own to be felt. All I need is a mind to feel. I felt a strange kind of magnet-like intensity in a phrase a friend mentioned to me in a random conversation: I’ll sleep after conquering the world!
It is that same tingling feeling I discovered when my niece made the ‘Window to the World’ out of Lego blocks, and led me into composing a poem out of the idea that came from a five-year-old. It’s a beautiful feeling, something that makes me believe that I am special, and that I feel beyond what others feel.
Intensified emotions: only because I make them so.

I’ll sleep

When shadows grow longer

And the voices grow stronger

And forceful

The continuum of time

The silence of the winds

The sweetness of the soul

When all is rested

You Need To Break

A realization that what I am feeling is not superficial. Its actually there felt by others too. Hence I decided to compose my feelings about it. This is what evolved.

You Need To Break

Ever since you showed your face

The truth that manifested

The face that evolved

Its not you

Its not who I want you to be

Keep the silence to yourself

And tell me

Keep the emotions on your face

And throw them at me

I am blessed

Sometimes, things build upto a climax so very strong, you are overwhelmed by its intensity and 'epic-ness' :D.

Something similar happened today. I wish for something similar to happen in the coming days too ;)

Khushi hai, aur aas bhi.

But most of all, I am so very thankful to my Lord. I cannot thank Him enough for all that has been happening in my life. This last year has been phenomenal in terms of what I have achieved. Simply phenomenal. Words fall short of how intensely happy I am because of what I have become and how I have been conditioned to achieve. Simply amazing. So content in that respect.

People and situations will always lay to rest the contentment. But when it's worth, it should be enjoyed :D

I am blessed
 

Driven by the hordes of words

Little conversations and the Big Picture

Its funny. I never understood how fickle I have become, or is this the right word to describe it? Little things matter so much to me now. I have started living off their existence. I try to find meaning in them, and I believe that little things can heal us up. The bigger picture..bah, what's that for?

A simple thanks.
A little smile. A short 'you are the best'

That's all I need to feel happy about these days. I am blessed, I suppose, thinking about these things.

Also, today I got to feel it for another person. I don't have to be involved always :)

The Road That Ends

Its funny that sometimes the emotions that you have to feel are predestined by the normalcy of the situation, like death. Its almost too certain that you have to be sad and lament over the passed one. What if I have something else to feel to?

Like how pathetic our conscience has become? How ensconced we are to not feel that life is as fickle as the snowflakes in winter? You touch them, and they could be gone. And when it’s gone, it gone. No turning back. Never, ever.

So may the Almighty make our plans strong and our deeds solid. A friend lost someone dear today, and realization hit me. I hope it stays...

The Road that ends

Where this road leads to

I fail to see

Where we all plan to be

I fail to answer

It’s a moment

It’s a sign

It’s a feeling that everything is finite

How?

~ Written in a frenzy of emotions and guilt. The passiveness of the situation now makes it look entirely self-suicidal, but the feelings are true. I cannot deny them. 

Today I feel as if I have done something insanely rebellious and insanely wrong. How could I have not seen it coming? How could I forgive my own self for something I could have at-least tried to defeat?

How? How could I have become so immoral?

Its not you, it is me who’s at fault.

How?

I cannot look into those eyes

When I know they’ll pierce me through

I cannot heal my wounds

They bleed everyday: uncontrolled

Something of Actual Significance

For those who have been following my blog, my Little Sparks of Genius is a regular feature where I collect little memories and intellectual snippets said by others and myself, and then compile them together...

Today I felt the need to post something independent of the others. Totally unique in entirety. Because it holds so much importance to me. Because it shows what I am. Because it tells me that I have achieved something in life. I may not have my career set out for me, I may not end up having the best things in life and I may not be successful in the future. But I know one thing:

My life is meaningful. It is not wasted. It is not rotten, and it is definitely not insignificant.

As You Drown Me

I do not wish to explain this.

As you drown me

Strive today

I tried

I got nothing to please me

I got nothing to ease this off

I hid underneath your shadow

I tried to make the place cooler

But it’s your shadow that’s wakening the fire around me

It’s your angst that’s destroying the peace within

Where does this lead to?

A culmination of stories. A stinking sense of guilt, that I could have stopped events from happening. That I was the leaf that moved to disturb the continuum. I could have stayed still. The victims are surmounting. Not one, not two. Many. Not me, not you. Everyone.

You sicken me. But I also sickened you. You stared at me, for stealth. I gave you hell.

This is not an accusation.

This is an awakening.

This is the passive understanding of the faith I believe in.

This is my life.

Thank you for staying out of it.

Consider this a rant. Forget if it actually makes sense to you. It never did to me.

Thoughts That Shade Me

This beautiful poem, has come as a result of an experience that I shall hold close to me forever. Friends truly are a blessing. They are my thoughts. Thank you for everything. Your well wishes, and your cheering up. Your silence, and your talk. Everything adds up to me loving you insanely. Thank you again, all of you.

Thoughts That Shade Me

I wished upon the starlets

I wished everyone

I asked God,

Is it the end?

Intense, enhanced and at peace,

Some moments have been;

Some have been in confusion,

Violent, rebellious and discordant.

Questions

Sometimes even saying the questions out loud can ease the pain. You discover what is wrong, when you ask. Excessive asking is again a disease, it can harm me and the others around me. But this signifies not the depression in the questions, but the beauty in them. 

Questions

It drowned amidst the leaves

How engaging, how so relieved.

How mystifying that there is no wind

But they are breezed

They are blown here and there

Violently

Shamelessly

In the moment they are frisked garishly

You ask me a question

The Valley Where You Dwell

Sometimes little figments of thoughts or brief daydreams can transform your mood into a transient state of mind in which you are insanely entangled till days to come. You know deep down that the reason is not real, but the happiness derived from it, is. Wonderful, sweet happiness that encompasses all the negativity and puts you into a positive force field - you force the ones around you to be happy. This mad happiness is blissful. It lasts for about days only, but while it does, it means the world to me. Happy mad happiness to you too!

The Valley where you dwell

Waiting for the perfect season

Toiling for the last reason

To be happy

And content

Thoughts have two meanings

A brief moment, which makes it all possible. It’s the ambivalence that is strikingly important and hard to digest.

Hope and despair are talked of in the same frame of mind. Maybe it’s the demand of the thought itself.

“With a word she can get what she came for…”

Thoughts have two meanings

The little sparks of joy

Painted red, green and all the hues that flamed

Flamed fire, young at heart

Young at spirit

Wanting to fly away

The unharmed roses, thorns and bittersweet dreams fell upon me

The Face

Its a little thought, a beautiful Spark of Genius. It shows the beauty and bliss in that someone you care for!

The faces that I see
Ingrained little stories
Thousands of emotions that are coming through
Waves of feelings searing through the air that surrounds me
You keep me whole

You keep me safe
You are the face that I want to see.

(11th March, 2011)

These Feelings for You

In memory of Mrs. Humaira Aamer: A great teacher, a great inspiration, and a lovely person. Who sadly left us so early on in life. May her wishes and hopes be fulfilled through us, and may she find peace in Heaven. Ameen.

Mrs. Humera Aamer was my Chemistry teacher in O Levels, and science teacher before that for 2 years. The kind of determination and love she had for her subject, was the factor that led me to pursue a subject like Biochemistry. I am forever indebted to her for her vision that she imparted in me. I always remember her while studying the subject, and it gives me a satisfaction, that I am fulfilling her dreams. It also gives me the faith in myself. She was a blessing, and my guide. One of a kind-she deserves all the love we have.  


These Feelings For You

A brief moment and the world collapses

A fickle detail and the plan is shunned

For life

For eternity

Ground to the ground

A very vague thought, that passed without explanation. Silent thoughts.

Ground to the ground

Fresh from the hurdles

Intense injunctions

Hate

Love

Memories

In ways that I have told myself

To stop

The bells jingle to the tunes

Where my desires are sealed

And the wishes are implied

From the world

The Morning

When you are taken on a soul-search when the weather outside calls you out of this mess. The mist-the morning weather, all surmount to this bleak picture that is captured. 


The Morning 


The morning sun shines on my face very bleakly

The weakness that persists is breaking us down

A hollow past

A stinging present

A stopping gaze

I see you.

Here are the Sparks again :)

They keep amusing me, and they keep the life alive in our lives :D 

"Rejoice, but not at the expense of others"

[Bilal Hussayn Asad]

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“While striving to be different, we end up becoming all the same.”

[Bilal Hussayn Asad]

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“Half the things in your Sparks of Genius are incoherent to most: these actually make sense”

[Bilal Hussayn Asad, about my Sparks and two of his recently quoted Sparks]

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“Mai jis din punctual ho gaya, us din Stanford meri :P”

[Farrukh K. Jadoon, in reference to himself:

He got into Stanford EPGY Summer School, Mashaallah! :D]

Those That Stay Away From Me

In trying to be alive, and to escape the shields you put around us - this evolved. An escape in itself. An excuse to blame you. I succeed.

Those that stay away from me

I don’t want the feeling to persist

Little pieces of glass shattered across the floor

It takes ages to collect all of them

I cut myself in the process

How can the feeling then be forgotten?

How can I deny your presence?

When you so clearly persist in the atmosphere that surrounds all of us

When you clearly persist in the stories that revolve around me

When you so clearly want me to believe in you

Today

A continuum of thoughts that ends in resolution. Its insanely marvelous that simply by writing about something brings me to a conclusion - in the very process of writing about it. That is why I surrender to my words to guide me. 

Today

Today I tell you, that it is what matters

Today I deceive, and today I tell you

Today I make you forget

Today I have crossed the limits

Limits of sanity.

Empowering noises

Like little shards of pain through the ears

Tingling, creeping up the mind

Asking me to surrender to my will

I listen only to you

My will, is not listened to.

You ask how that is possible.

Something Insignificant Again

So, that's it right here: I reactivated my Facebook account. Not that this should be a big deal, since I have effectively and encouragingly broke the addiction. Proof: I closed the blue and while tab after a while. I did not linger around. I did not loiter my time around. And it feels so much better with that tab closed. 

Lesson well-learned then? :)

Indeed.

Kyun chupa sa hai mujh se hi sach mera?

Kyun sayaasa hai har ang mera?

Aqs bhi mera mujh se ye keh raha,

Kia hoon mein aur kia meri wajah?

[Why is my own reality hidden from me?

Why is each part of me a confusion?

Even my shadow says this to me:

What am I, and what is my reason?]

(Call - Kyun)

Make the connections.

The Waste

This piece of composition requires no explanation I think. Its experienced by all, and felt be all.

The Waste

The waste is evident; and I feel nothing

I am toiling; striving to know it

But I feel nothing

Who do I blame?

Why should I complain?

I feel numb; numb right to the very core.

It is the loss of feeling that I detest.

The process manifests slowly

Distinguishes itself gradually

Maligning and destroying completely; but slowly

The Heart Recedes to a Low Whisper

This is a very crude reality that haunts me. It should not. Because it essentially is a non-issue, a non-reality. I also realize that this phase has come before once on my life too. I was immature, and did not realize what life was really about. How can this be happening again? How, can this be a reason for my emotions again? Should I indulge in finding the answer, or should I put the limits once and for all. How to impose those limits is another question.

The Heart Recedes To A Low Whisper

The heart recedes to a low whisper

A constant mumble

A whining whisper

Of the truth

I want to cry out

And tell you

But I cannot

Because the barriers are too strong

In the winds

The Crime

This expresses my emotions about a certain moment in which I felt that our day to day routine becomes very overpowering at times and makes us forget what we are striving for in the bigger plan of life. Our intentions become words only and our inactivity depresses us further.

The Crime

The crime hence committed is this

Will this reality ever change?

Will you overcome your monotony to trespass time?

Will you become the better judge yourself, not time?

To commence with a reason noble

The motives pure, untarnished and coherent

Then life sets in

And it keeps setting in

Into a sphere of influence that encircles you

Keeps you safe and impregnable

And the reason rusts away

My Comfort then Remains in You.

After a long, tiring day I came here to post something to get my mind off things. 

Just for the record: I am *finally* done with the last leg of college applications, hopefully. Boy, have they been a pain in the you-know-what! But they also helped me find myself, and acutely realize where I stand in life. Not to mention that they taught me to take responsibility of the 'cheez' that I am. Weird, that a bunch of admission officers get to bring about an evolution in me. I have never met them, or seen them, and they sit in a place I have never been to. But they change me. From the insignificant nothing in 8th grade that tagged along with the others, to the imposing and philosophical personality that I am today with a lot of impact. I like to think that.