This is the feeling that I want to write down so bad. This is the thing I want to feel so bad. Yet, even though I have tried to put it into words, I fail to capture it in its entirety. Its like my throat and hands are jammed. I want to feel this so harshly, but the universe doesn't conspire, the late-night sessions with my pen, pages and solace doesn't conjure it up in words. So for now, let this suffice.
Winds up against the wall I built
The stillness and the stiffness
I feel
Vilified ordeals.
Compassion and structured elements of peace
Seen gliding through
Not to be mine
Not to be you.
Marvelous endearing on my body outside
The countless layers of fame, glory and pride
Very few, very close - some of you take off the layers.
Even if the conscious wanderings and advances cease
I beg you.
Please.
Back to the notions of opening eyes to seeing black stars.
Imagine a desert
Imagine a flower in the desert
Imagine it standing, quivering alone in a pit
In a cleavage, surrounded by mountains of sand.
Mountains of angry shouts, betrayals and worldly pains.
The rain does not come by
Only sometimes, when night falls
The stiff petals of the flower
Shake the sand off.
And feel.
And so many sounds
So many directions from which the winds slapped its face
So many years and so many days
Of quiet absorption of your fears.
You talk, you shout, you spill your anger over me
You dangerously butcher and bite the flesh off my innermost layer.
For you know me and own me
Through each layer.
I can't stop you
I can't put barriers up for you.
Just one little barrier
One small step
And I hide all me feelings under that bar
I bottle up my emotions, words and faces behind the wall.
That one wall, bar and barrier
The day you break it.
The moment you cross it.
I may not live to tell the tale then.
The wind still blows
And the lashings go on.
For how long?
I stare at the question with sealed eyes.
I don't want the answer.
Still and stiff
Will be all that is me in-front of you
Until you charge open
And break the walls, and me.
(4th September, 2011)
Winds up against the wall I built
The stillness and the stiffness
I feel
Vilified ordeals.
Compassion and structured elements of peace
Seen gliding through
Not to be mine
Not to be you.
Marvelous endearing on my body outside
The countless layers of fame, glory and pride
Very few, very close - some of you take off the layers.
Even if the conscious wanderings and advances cease
I beg you.
Please.
Back to the notions of opening eyes to seeing black stars.
Imagine a desert
Imagine a flower in the desert
Imagine it standing, quivering alone in a pit
In a cleavage, surrounded by mountains of sand.
Mountains of angry shouts, betrayals and worldly pains.
The rain does not come by
Only sometimes, when night falls
The stiff petals of the flower
Shake the sand off.
And feel.
And so many sounds
So many directions from which the winds slapped its face
So many years and so many days
Of quiet absorption of your fears.
You talk, you shout, you spill your anger over me
You dangerously butcher and bite the flesh off my innermost layer.
For you know me and own me
Through each layer.
I can't stop you
I can't put barriers up for you.
Just one little barrier
One small step
And I hide all me feelings under that bar
I bottle up my emotions, words and faces behind the wall.
That one wall, bar and barrier
The day you break it.
The moment you cross it.
I may not live to tell the tale then.
The wind still blows
And the lashings go on.
For how long?
I stare at the question with sealed eyes.
I don't want the answer.
Still and stiff
Will be all that is me in-front of you
Until you charge open
And break the walls, and me.
(4th September, 2011)
You write such long poems.. I used to do that.
ReplyDeleteI like the poem, waise, even though it's depressingggg
For how long?
ReplyDeleteI stare at the question with sealed eyes.
I don't want the answer.
wow
this line actually defines the core of the poem..!
evrytime i read your poems i find there was something is your life which has troubled you or is troubling...
mm still figuring
do let me if i can help
em a good listener..!
:)
keep wrting
dasvadaniya
suvaiba..!
Ovais:
ReplyDeleteWhy'd you stop? :P Umm, I kind of exaggerate with the depressive elements in my compositions. Its really not that blue :)
Or maybe it is. Sigh.
Suvaiba:
All of us have our troubles! :)
Thanks for the comment!